Break Down, Glam Up.

Hey kids, the music video lesson for today is how to glam it up for the camera when you are really just having a breakdown. Both of these videos were directed by Earle Sebastian, who is cleary a god.

First up: Hey Jupiter by Tori Amos.

The best part of the video is the make-up. It’s courtesy of Kevyn Aucoin, genius of make-up artistry. She looks broken and fabulous. I couldn’t find a video clip so here’s just a still of Miss Tori In Full Glory.

Next up: I Want You by Madonna.

It’s one of her least known videos and was never released with a single, but it’s one of my faves. Madonna is in full B&W magic here. It’s slow, angsty, sultry and melancholic. Her look is so…  Euro blousy? That’s it, bitch is euro blousin’ for her black man! I have no idea what that means but it sounds good drunk. Enjoy.

Love is all around…

Part 4:

Central air, Road movies, The Breakfast Club, Tia Carrere, Jessica Tandy, David LaChapelle, Unicorns, Unico, The name Toby, Tetris, Harold and Maude, AFI lists, Lists of all kinds, Pina Coladas, Deleting things, Lily Tomlin, Superman, The fact that everything is going Pomegranate these days, Filling out those questionnaire things you find in blogs and posts – and then deleting it, Enthusiasm, Candy Darling, When film people say “pre-vis”, Molly Ringwald, Another season of Project Runway, Hair salons, Getting my hair did, Mo Collins, Trombones, Garlic bread, Travel, Beauty pageants, Rachel Ray, Tim Gunn, Carol Channing, Miami, Donnie Darko, Richard Kelly – even though he’s only made one movie – I will always stick up for him, Hot summer nights, Kelis, When people “set the night on fire”, Eating ice cream with friends until I get sick, Hard-core illegal drugs, Sporty-type jock guys who know are intelligent at the same time, That guy I just saw on Jeopardy who was totally hot – not Alex Trebek, Money makin’ playas up in Harlem, Patti LuPone, Rue McClanahan, When people say “in all of Christendom”, The idea of a Heathers sequel, Back To The Future, Make-up streaked through tears, Beauty queens, Fashion, Shallowness, The talent competition, Our lord Jesus Christ, Anne Murray, David Sedaris, The Carpenters, Spell check, The Men’s fragrance counter at Nordstrom’s, Mayo, Asian Female Kung-Fu movie crime bosses who also might be men, Andy Warhol, The book Running with Scissors, People who read, Costco shopping with Beth, The Safety Dance, Xylophones, Robert Zemeckis movies, Grey Gardens, Vanity Fair magazine, Change, Everything staying the same, The ocean breeze, Cinderella, Nietzsche, Women, Men, Outhouses, Denny’s, Monasteries, Scary ass monks, Charles Busch, The Nightmare on Elm Street movies, Oktoberfest, Ski lifts, Good horror movies, Fleet week in San Francisco, Tom Hanks, Red backgrounds during credit sequences, Nyquil, Nice bus drivers, Uli Herzner, McSteamy, Smoking in the sunlight, Smoking after eating, Smoking while drinking, Susan Tyrell, The Lady Chablis, Insane awesome words for colors – like chartreuse – indigo – vermilion – puce – cerulean etc, Shopping, Being alone, Cranberries, Dior lobster hats, Russian accents, When Sascha eats an entire lemon – skin and all, Everything about Sacha Baron Cohen, The Tai Pan trading store, Insane Christmas decorations, Insane Christmas people, Celebrating Christmas two months early, Homemade salsa, Annette Bening, Emma Thompson, Jill Clayburgh, Naffness, The depression that settles in around Christmas time, A Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph – not so much the Grinch, The fact that Jennifer Hudson is getting all the raves for Dreamgirls and Beyonce is getting left in the dust, The new ultimate Superman collectors edition, Apocalypse Now, The tranny that works and the smoke shop by my house, Shot glasses, Snow – sometimes, Jack Spice Park – even though I haven’t met him, Finland, Quiche, Polar bears, Sea World, Black Christmas trees, Shrimp breaded with oregano, Rich people who give their money away, Daniel Craig as James Bond, Kwanzaa, Muriel’s Wedding, Jean Paul Gaultier, Alexander McQueen, Viktor and Rolf, John Galliano, Going out to breakfast after work late at night with friends, When Tony gets hit on by drunk gay guys who call him the “poster child of his generation”, Z Gallerie, Iceland and the city of Reykjavik, Russia, Kelly Macdonald, Scotland, Bill Nighy, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Barneys, Neimans, Harrods, Bloomies, Nords, Saks, Sometimes I like Mark Wahlberg – especially when he takes time out of his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant a celebrity tree, Window displays, French & Saunders, Bob Ross, Blanche Devereux’s bedroom on The Golden Girls – I want that matching wallpaper and bed spread in that same palm frond print, Alexander McQueen’s Puma shoe collection, Children Of Men, All Alfonso Cuaron movies, Mexico, Mexican weddings, Zahara Jolie-Pitt – you just know she is going to save mankind, Sushi, Hollywood and Highland, Daffodils…

Quote.

Diana: Hi. I’m Diana Christensen, a racist lackey of the imperialist ruling circles.

Laureen: I’m Laureen Hobbs, a badass commie nigger. 

Diana: Sounds like the basis of a firm friendship.

 

Network is such a good movie. It’s brilliant and so far ahead of it’s time. Watch it if you haven’t.

Our love is so rock steady.

Part 3:

People who have some god damn sense of art and culture – please people, Drinking games with movies, Christiane Amanpour, Batman, Bob Fosse, Tonya Harding, The smell of gasoline, Not working on Sundays – it has nothing to do with religion – I just like it – and Saturdays too – and any day, Australia, Seeing friends in weird places, That my friend has a profile for her cat, Making people laugh unexpectedly, Going grocery shopping in the middle of the night – like 2 or 3 in the morning, All things Costco, The guy at Albertsons with the blue beard, Shot glasses, Roadside diners, Breaking the law and getting away with it, Smooth jazz playing in the background of anywhere, When my friends say funny inappropriate things over dinner, Those crazy Chinese buffets that we have here in America that have all the same things like cheese wontons and crab legs that people go apeshit over, Funny new age-y stuff like scented candles and Enya, Anyone remember the store Glifx? – that was awesome, College students, Swimming pools, Feeling refreshed after sleeping, The Beach Boys song “God Only Knows” – seriously put it as soundtrack in any movie/TV show and it’s instantly better, Kevin Smith, St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah, How damn cold it gets at night when you’re camping, Going to the bathroom in the woods, The Golden Girls, Rosie O’ Donnell, Creepy campgrounds where teenagers are raped and murdered, Letterman jackets, Blowing money with credit cards, Banana cream pie, Remember Incredible Universe? – that store was off the hook, Melissa likes playing Clue at Coco Cafe – that sounds like something I’d like too, Water, Money, Sex, Big ole salads, Salads with bleu cheese and/or walnuts and/or cranberries, Paradise Cafe and Bakery, Ranch dressing, Say what you will – Kindergarten Cop is a fucking awesome movie, Aida, Ambien, Crazy shit on restaurant walls, Jumanji, Andy Samberg, Pre and post crack Whitney – I love them both – especially when she is in the clouds, Casinos, Eyeliner, Blondes, Brandon Routh, Robert Altman movies, Disco, Roulette, Falling asleep in the car ride home coming from camping as a kid, Air conditioning, The desert, Using a good sample in a dance song, Espionage, Long hair on men, Hippies, Ana Gasteyer, Helen Mirren, Queens – mostly of England, Cracker Barrel, Beto’s, Crazy pirates lady, Big envelopes, Demon spawn, Feeling like a better person when I encounter racist cunts, Ben’s Cookies, Courtney Love, The lemonade drinks at Starbucks, The green tea drinks at Starbucks, The spiky haired girl that works at Starbucks, Lots of things at Starbucks, You, That song from Flashdance – it’s just too good, The song “My Girl” – I’ve noticed that whenever that song comes on in a public place everyone starts singing – I was at the grocery store and I walked passed six different people singing along – including me, Cobb salad, Sunny days, Rainy days, Chirping birds signaling the arrival of morning – actually I hate that one, Meryl Steep, Drive-In movie theaters, Eating, Troop Beverly Hills, Thinking about being young and gay and arty in Montreal in the winter and how awesome that would be, Selena drag queens, Gay pride festivals, Gay boys that look like Rivers Quomo and Topher Grace had a baby, Gay gay gay, Butch stuff too, Straight stuff too, The credit “Un Film De Almodovar”, Rugby players…

Trash. I killed trash…

Love to love you, baby.

Part 2:

When people come out of a movie and you can tell they really loved it, Whenever Maya Angelou is doing anything, Doing things right and correctly, Being successful at something – anything, Interesting conversation filled with laughter, Musicals – stage and screen, Mind of Mencia, Kathy Bates, Holiday specials on TV, IMBD.com, John Leguizamo, Buying a new CD, Good director’s audio commentaries on DVD’s, Getting a massage, Good strong coffee, Keeping Up Appearances, When people say “country bumpkin”, Good buffets, Quarters, 70’s gay porn, Mashed potatoes and gravy, Unibrows, Smashing Pumpkins, The White Stripes, Radiohead, Daft Punk, Sigur Ros, Nine Inch Nails, Annie Lennox, Eggs Benedict, Wise older ladies with British accents who do really good things for the world, African children running in slow motion to film scores – usually something by Hans Zimmer, Cook books, Sinead O’Connor, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson, Black Eyed Peas, Whitney Houston, Spice Girls, David Bowie, Valium, Zanax, Prince, Thompson Twins, Scissor Sisters, Daft Punk, Lost, Family Guy, Autumn, Broadway, Bea Arthur, Thomas Newman scores, Trivial Pursuit, Bloody Mary’s, Good stand up comedy, When my cat lays in the laundry, Six Feet Under, The Simpsons, South Park, Gwen Stefani, Tracey Takes On, Chappelle’s Show, Dawson’s Creek, Conan O’ Brien, Absolutely Fabulous, Are You Being Served?, Standing up for myself, Getting into fights with complete strangers, Bitching about Mormons – except Charity, The thought that someone may be reading this list, Big ass trees, Mexican art, Big empty parking lots, Birthday dinners, Androgyny, Coldplay, Pie month at Marie Calendars, Movie theaters, Sleep, Scarlett Johannsen, Extras, The Daily Show, Sex and the City, Mad TV, Nip/Tick, Seinfeld, Project Runway, Strangers With Candy, Scars and bruises on people, Breathing in the cold air when it’s freezing outside, Braces and other sorts of mouth hardware, Butt acne, Weird dolls, Marilyn Manson, Celebrity gossip, Most gossip, Good lemonade, That time right before you fall asleep when you feel drowsy and sedate, Fat people that are comfortable in their skin – or rather anyone who is comfortable in their skin – or at least appears to be, When straight guys are cool, The Beatles, Hole, Duran Duran, Fiona Apple, Discussing old children’s TV shows with friends, Bai Ling, People who are knowledgeable about movies – some of them, Getting drunk and listening to really over the top music – example: Journey, Dancing violently and/or dorky, A good vomit, Tammy Faye, Bea Arthur, Joanna Cassidy, Maya Angelou, Faye Dunaway *as* Joan Crawford, CEO Barbie, Paula White, Blanche Deveraux, Martini glasses, Giving and receiving gifts, Getting special treatment on a birthday, Good pizza, Christmas lights, Movie quotes, Discovering new music and feeling like you can listen to it forever, Goldfrapp, AIR, When drunks smash into things, Original Broadway casts, Busy kitchens, Losing weight, People who can make music, Karaoke, Doing something naughty, Kirsten Dunst, Everyday of the week except Saturday…

Love you long time.

A while back I started a list of things I love. It’s been on my Myspace page for the last four years and I’ve been constantly updating it, sometimes daily. So, I’m kinda proud of this insanely long list because it’s such a huge compilation of all sorts of crap. I thought I would post it here too. It will be posted in chunks, so in case anyone is actually reading it, they won’t lose their sanity.

Part 1:

New York City, Drinking fountains, Chicago, Georgia, Gratuity, Ewan McGregor when nude, Frances Farmer, New car smell, Drag queens, BLT’s, Spanish moss, Seattle, San Francisco, Madonna, Red cream soda in styrofoam cups, All things British, Elton John, Rufus Wainwright, Alanis Morissette, Kylie Minogue, Wood floors, Stanley Kubrick movies, Feeling like I discovered something, ABBA, Good Blogs, Extravagance, Old houses, Natalie Portman, Dark chocolate, Articulate people, Edward Norton, Fashion week, Nomi Malone, Old Jewish ladies, Frida Kahlo, Artsy war movies, Mary Poppins, Dancers, John Waters’ movies, Moby, Fast food, Gay punk bands, Eclectic tastes in music, Ally Sheedy, Good martinis, Old Sci-Fi movies, All things tacky, Music videos, The Olympics, Kate Winslet, When people say “cheers”, The Cosby Show, Gay men who are dirty and unfashionable, Old people, When kids talk to me with their stuffed animals and dolls, Coffee with friends, Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ lips, Horrible Christmas music, Vulgarity, Root beer in a cold glass, The Comeback, When I feel smarter than someone else, Shining Time Station, Today’s Special, Mister Rogers, Dreamy songs, Vegas showgirls, When my friend Beth speaks in various accents, When my friend Johann has strokes, Dianne Wiest, Swan Brooner, Willy Wonka, Vanilla ice cream with shit on it, Vodka, Disneyland, When people are really passionate about something, Moving down my queue on Netflix, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Michelle Pfeiffer as anything, Ron Popeil infomercials, Infomercials in general, Getting the mail, Being all bundled up under covers and having it be cold in my room, The song “This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” by Natalie Cole, Tori Amos, Bjork, The song “Then Came You” by Dionne Warwick, Cooking shows, Oprah Winfrey and her kingdom, The restrooms in expensive restaurants where there is an employee handing you towels and cigarettes, Plastic surgery, Dolly Parton…

You got the look…

Ouch, sorry about that last one.

Vogue.

Madonna last night at The Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala ball:

 

Here’s what fabulous Simon Doonan had to say:

“Loved it, this is a great era for glamorous eccentricity. People are bored with glamour gowns. The ultraconventional glamour-gown look? That’s so last century, dahling! Think Lady Gaga!”

After much thought, I agree.

Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…

The Britney Spears show last night here in the SLC was… intense.

Britney is near to my cold heart. Having dressed as her for Halloween a few years back (people still bring it up and I’ll never live it down) I feel I have a connection. I mean, as Evil Robert Britney, I put my cigs out on the foreheads of my plastic doll babies!

Also, I did discover her way before anyone else. I saw her …Baby One More Time music video on MTV early in the morning before school one day back in the 9th grade. It was 1998 and I was a little terrified. I remember hating her at first, but not being able to divert my eyes. Ever since then I have halfheartedly followed her career, begrudgingly bought her albums and seen every damn thing she ever did, including her hetero-hell movie Crossroads. I’ve never really derived any major pleasure from any of this, but there is something in the water that makes me a little obsessed. This was the first time I’ve ever seen her perform live. I use the word live loosely. She represents the best and worst of pop music. This is not news to anyone, so with that in mind…

Maybe it was the AMAZING amounts of alcohol in my system. Or the rainy wet weather that soaked me as I walked to the show… I have to say that I was really impressed with it. I like to imagine it as Britney doing Madonna Girlie Show ‘93 with a little bit of Joan Crawford thrown in. It was very Berserk!

Highlights:

A video interlude set to the Marilyn Manson version of Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) that featured Britney in some very Eyes Wide Shut masked orgy scenarios. There were great interludes galore. Girl knows how to do an interlude. There was a dancer interlude from the GODS.

Costume design courtesy of a gay wet dream where rainbows shoot out in all directions. Unfortch, we were a little far away and I couldn’t see too many details, but there were lots of sparkles!!! There was even a giant pink fuzzy sparkly whack-a-mole mallet.

No version of Lucky, damn it. But there was a Bollywood themed performance and remix of Me Against The Music that was so fierce I might have shit a few lollipops. It was my favorite part. Then the bitch sat on the handle of a giant  umbrella and sang Everytime. Glee!

Gimme More ninjas!

Britney and her dancers were descending from the ceiling multiple times… on ropes, in cages, and two hot male dancers came down to meet Britney on her sex couch while she rose up with them and twirled in unholy three way magic.

Brit got sawed.

A Perez Hilton opening video that can only be described as the queerest thing to ever exist. Basically he is some sort of Queen Elizabeth drag monster that eats babies.

Freakshow magic everywhere, like big stripper peepshow windows and Virgin Mobile sponsor interludes. There was seizure inducing shit going on all the time. Fireworks, contortionists, bicyclists, magicians, skate borders, little people, fire breathers, acrobats, strong men, and clowns from hell. There was even a bit I can only describe as dirty men holding chainsaws that shot real sparks.

A giant circular stage video screen that rose up and down on the concert in the round three ring circus stage set-up. Divine.

The Pussycat Dolls sucked, that Nicole Shirzingerberger rubs me the wrong way. The other dolls didn’t get to do ANYTHING but back her ass up!

Anyway, loves it! Weston, Lorena, Nomi and I had a blast. I didn’t really take any pics other than blurry cell phone photos that suck, but I’m sure Weston will have some and I’ll post them soon. Also, after the show, we spent over an hour stuck in the parking garage with a major cougar party going on! Those ladies were just stumbling around knocking on cars. Intense.

Merry Christmas!

Best Music Videos Ever #1

This is the first video I’m posting in my series of Best Music Videos Ever! I’m a huge fan of the medium, I’m a connoisseur. I can appreciate them as great pieces of filmmaking and also as devices for commercial and promotional purposes. My heroes are the directors and artists who can really take what is essentially a marketing tool and elevate it to something that is a perfect mix of image and music. A sign o’ the times. A perfect little musical. There are a million good and bad videos out there, but I hope to highlight the exceptional ones. Due to a changing industry and a Youtube world, the medium of a really traditional music video seems to be fading… but only slightly and, like porn, it will always be around. I hope the best is yet to come.

 

Janet Jackson – Got Till It’s Gone

I felt this was a real high point for Janet. This is very summer 1997 to me. A beautiful video directed by god Mark Romanek, is still one of my favorites. For her, it was a nice combo of song, image and message. She was at a point where she was switching things up with The Velvet Rope album and becoming more dark and adult. The song is so groovy and the famous Joni Mitchell sample gives it a certain power. The South African and Apartheid imagery is electric, sensual and visceral… but let’s be real… Alek Wek is in it!

I’m the Gypsy… the acid queen.